Rebirth

For months, I stayed away from sharing and dealing with a lot of emotions and past experiences that changed my life and the way I can perceive life. I get aware of my own patterns that I was playing out and how I hurt myself by being there for others and giving because I could see my worth in loving others more than I love myself.

We are operating by the patterns we have, and if we are not aware of them, we are not far away from a computer that does things automatically.

Everything starts from the way we grow up and how our childhood formed our ground.

In my case, I experienced being sad, controlled, and unable to connect emotionally with my parents when my inner core was screaming for that emotional connection.

I created the pattern of hopelesness, neediness, people-pleasing and always being there for others because in this way I would receive love or attention, and in this way I built my life of sacrificing myself for others and giving until depletion.

After 2 marriages and failed relationships, I finally saw what I was playing out my whole existence. I let others tell me who I was and how things must be done; I trusted others more than I trusted myself, and I was there when they needed me.

The moment when I was forced to choose myself was when a spiritual betrayal happened, and my soul was chosen for sacrifices to be taken from me, God's power that my soul is carrying. The one I was trusting with my life was the one that was willing to kill my soul.

Of course, because God is the Most High and most intelligent, let things happen long enough to make me aware, given me pieces os puzzels and shown me what's going on behind the scenes. With that new understanding I choose to stay away and stop any contact with that person.

Before my birthday, I chose to unblock a person from social media as a declaration to myself that I am ready to face the pain and all that was in that connection.

The pain was extreme; I cried my heart out to exhaustion. I felt how much pain I hold in this body, and I didn't know if I could make it. Slowly, after this thought, my physical body started to weaken, and I lost power. I felt something was not ok and that I needed help and assistance. I was aware that somehow I got out of my own body, and I didn't want this to happen.

No one was there, no friend or assistance. Finding myself alone in that moment, something in me started to awaken. I felt mad, angry and powerless, knowing that when I most needed people in my life, they were not there. I realised the sacrifice I made my whole life for nothing, just to be left when I needed them.

That also was God's will.

That anger and rage have woken me up in a way I cannot explain.

Today I am aware that the transformation inside me is still occurring, and I cannot be the way I was; I don't know yet who I am, and who I am becoming. Everyone I knew was falling apart, and I started to choose myself.

Today I have lived in dark isolation for some months now, where I have no one to call and share what is happening inside my heart. We are social beings, and we need to connect. I experience this moment without any connection, and everything I feel and go through is processed alone.

The rebirth moment happened 2 months ago, and I understand why I must spend this time alone. Also, I feel hungry to connect with people too.

Everything is happening for a reason, and the doors will open when the time is right.

I am alive and my life is yet to begin, I know my soul and my purpose on that level but who is my human and what was birth inside me is still to be find out.